New Chapter New Life

I've been detached to this blog for quite some time now. God has given me great opporrunities to move on and find my happiness amidst the hard lessons.

I'm planning to blog again soon, this time I will try to write stories of happiness that makes people smile. Stories of hope that can inspire people. Stories of adventure so I can share my own experiences. Stories that does not end but sparks new beginnings to others. :)

I'll be posting again soon... so stay tuned.

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Awoken Emoness

Why do people wonder and worry so much when you're single...
As if you'll be single forever.
I didn't make this choice alone, I just had to let my heart go and ask for a new one from God.

In all honesty I don't know if you heard my heart cry,
Because I was fighting myself not to cry in front of you
Though my heart was screaming out your name, I just stayed there listening to your every word
Trying hard not to let you feel
That the last kisses would be something I wish would never have ended
That the time we had inside that last taxi we shared would last
That the last glance you gave me would have changed your mind

Well now after a few months I guess it finally is over
My heart does not long for you anymore
My eyes haven't cried for months already
My brain has changed it's habit of thinking of you when I sleep and when I wake up
That all I really wanted before was to hang in there and wait
But you said I shouldn't wait
That I should find someone else
Because though you have my heart, you didn't want it anymore

I looked at the heavens, asked for help and believed in miracles
God reminded me of my friends
That eventhough they made me feel I was alone at some point
They were there to keep me company
I asked for distraction to make me happy, because all I ever did was to wonder why
And God gave me too much to do
Which made me realize one thing,
I'm never alone in this fight, I just had to surrender it all to God and let Him handle things that I can't

I'm not afraid where this new road would lead me,
Or what this new heart be like.
But one thing is for sure...
The next tear I will be crying would be tearsof joy,
An overflow of God's goodness and love

Maybe

Maybe by this time you're happy with someone else, feeling like the first times you were together with her...

I remember the time your story started, which I think is the exact same thing that is happening right now. The only difference is that you got rid of the annoying ex girlfriend and the girl fling you had before, exchanging them to that one girl who believed you inside out and trusted you with all her heart. Now every event has gone upside down, that one girl in exchange of someone new.

Maybe it was meant to be. That this one girl who loved you for so long needs to get hurt because it was the only way she could outgrow you? That after all that has happened it was the only way she can see her worth? That the moments you had together was not enough for her because all the while she felt as if she was the second instead of the first? That eventhough how much love you give her you weren't giving her the best you can ever be? That you remained as the man who can't be moved because you were afraid to overcome your insecurities? That you were scared that she'd leave you first because you felt like you were not enough for her and that you did not feel like you belong to her? That all those time the only thing she ever wanted was your heart and nothing more?

Maybe after all that has happened you are now with that new girl, happy as of the moment, not caring of any bad thought... because that's who you are. Too afraid to face the ugly truth that you can't stay with someone because you are too afraid to see yourself reflected through her. Maybe this time she's finally moving on, no commitments and no worries, because she knows she did her best when she was with you. She may be thinking you were the best failure in her life, hoping that someday God's best will come and just hold her hand even through the darkest of times. She may be having a hard time getting used to where she is now, but definitely stronger than when you left her, wiser than when you met her, and braver than when you were with her.

Or maybe all she ever wanted was to see you happy? That after all that has happened all she ever wished for was for you to learn more than what she learned? But I guess you'll never learn unless you overcome your own issues, unless you win your own battles for yourself... Because when you were fighting your battles, she was always there keeping your shield up. Maybe right now she's hoping that whoever was the reason of stealing your heart from her she was worth her pains, that if she looks back at you she wouldn't regret not fighting for you when you told her to stop loving you.

Though how many maybes are stated, there's only one thing that is certain. That amidst all those maybe one must keep moving forward. One must not stop loving and caring because the other brought pain to her life. One must keep on hoping for the best even through the worst of time. One must keep on going for what he feels and wish the best for the other. The only thing you need to be sure when you face those maybes is that are you willing to risk it all? Are you sure that you'd go through everything and the consequences without regretting  anything? Nothing is sure in this world except God. Nothing is true in this world except His blessings. And nothing is permanent except change. So think hard... maybe is just a word, not an answer.

Labelled

When it feels like it doesn't matter
What others may say about you
When it feels like it scares you to your very core
But you care less about it
Because you know there's nothing wrong
Because you know  you're just moving on

Funny how people pity you after you tell them what happened
As if it just happened yesterday
As if your tears would still be there
Though the pain is still there but it doesn't bother you now
You know that deep in your heart
It won't bother you anymore

Silly how people say you have to go easy on things
That you need to find the right one
That you need to be positive
And yes it isn't bad, but it is pressuring
It is uplifting, but too much isn't good
It makes you feel as if you'll never be happy again

Amazing how people give meaning to every friend you meet
Every guy you are with will always have a label
As if you can never be friends with someone from the opposite sex
As if you can't enjoy a relationship with no commitments and noresponsibilities
As if you should always treat them as a potential someone
But I'm not up for any of it

It's hard when you know you're single
But everyone around expects you not to be
Because you are capable of being in a good relationship
Because you're old enough to be a relationship
But it never is easy, and never will be
To be labelled as who you are and not as someone in a relationship with someone

My New Found Freedom

Single?
In a  relationship?
Complicated?

You really can't tell how free a person can be unless you see them soar. But no matter how much freedom costs we shouldn't forget that true freedom is found once you learn to see things  the way Jesus did.

Many believe that freedom is doing what you want, finding your happiness and fighting for it. Honestly that's correct. It's proving that you can do anything. It's being who you want to be. It's looking at life the way you want and living it the way you planned it. But we always forget one thing, are we really free? Are we really free from pain? worry? sorrow? fear? trials? defeats? envy? jealousy? uncertainty?

Only by looking at life the way God has planned it to be shall we find peace. It isn't easy. Because though it was promised that we will find happiness in God, we will never be exempted to all the trials the world can throw at us. We are in this world, and in this world there will always be trails. There will always be people that would hurt us, situations that would test us and lead us at the brink of sanity. We can never tell what other things the world can throw at us. Though the world may seem such a bad place do remember that whenever we face more trials than usual, God's trusting us more (Isaiah 8:17).

There are many things that had happened in the past 4 months of 2012, trials and challenges. But one thing remains, I am enjoying my new found freedom through Christ. I know that through Him I will conquer anything (Mark 9:23), I will be wiser than my old self (James 3:18) and find my new real self (Colossians 3:7-14) that will live for one purpose, to live for God's glory. I am single at the moment, and yes I'm not ashamed to say it again. And while I wait for His provisions, I will serve my very purpose. Stand tall, stand proud for God!

Journey of a Broken Heart

We simply can't say too much when we never even fought for it.
We simply can never say anything too mean against each other,
because we never were against each other to start with
We can't shake off what we feel for each other that easy
simply because we chose each other.

Unfortunately, things changed...
You had a change of heart, I had to react to it
We had to end things basically because you weren't sure if you can fight with me anymore
I'd rather face things individually than to hurt myself more.
It was the only way I know
Because no matter how hard I'd fight for it if you're not with me to fight it's not worth any effort at all
Though I forgive you, but i guess it's game over.

I won't lie that I cried
I won't lie that I wanted to run far far away from here
I wanted to feel alive again
I wanted to understand things
I wanted to see what you feel and feel what you don't want me to feel
It was all before I cried out to God.
I only had one thing left with me, my faith...something I have long forgotten

I can hardly feel my own self at that moment, it was useless to try
I was living each day because I had to, I'm alive so I didn't have much choice.
It was just like when you left me with no choice but to move on,
No other way but to let you go
No alternative but to act as if nothing happened and that we just fell apart

4 years of so much love and passion for each other
That when the tide hit us, it was like nothing was left
4 years of memories in exchange of that one blow
Funny
That all I knew about you was different from what just happened.
As if those 5 precious words never meant anything
That it was all just a feeling, and it never was a commitment
Though I get you, and I understand that I have just disappointed myself with how much I know you.

My faith has showed me so much,
That life was valuable
That I have a purpose that eventhough I couldn't understand it I still have to live up for it
That eventhough I still don't know what I'm supposed to do,
The only thing I could actually do is just smile and let God's love flow  through me.
To you it may sound stupid and foolish
But it's better than to find love again and then end up apart with that someone again
I'm sure love will find it's way to me,
And when it does I pray it's meant for me.
That love that I can fight for until my dying day
That kind of love that never disappoints you
That kind of love that even if it hurts, it never walks away
That kind of love that I can grow with
That kind of love that never gets tired
Just like the kind of love you once promised but never kept.
That love that's meant to last
That unconditional love.

If ever you find yourself coming back to that day, I hope you'd realize what your heart really wants
Because I just did
And if you find "us" within your feelings I can only assure you one thing
We were never total strangers, because we were a part of each other once in our life.

10 things and Beyond

2 months ago, the only thing I will always remember was how the taxi drove away from the trike stand, seeing your shadow looking at me from the passenger's seat... I can still remember how it felt, still remember the pain and the confusion that unfortunate event had on me. Yup, pain is still there... I just got used to it that's why I'm back on my feet. At that time, I was afraid to move on... I was afraid to experience that exact same pain until I totally surrendered it to God. It's been a real roller coaster ride from the time that I met you until the time we're back to being strangers. Though I still pray that in God's time, we'd still be friends, just like when i met you... the only difference is that whatever love that's left between us won't be enough to bring us back together as lovers... just friends i guess.

As the days pass by, I couldn't help but notice that there are tons of things that remind me of you... and the top ten of which would definitely make you think of me as well...

Whenever I see your office's logo i can't help but raise an eyebrow and say "whatever motto they have right now is the exact opposite of what they're employees have. Promoting socializing and time for loved ones while in fact you guys don't really have that much time to spend with the people you love." Funny but I honestly think that this is one thing that I really hate about your job. I couldn't help but think, maybe this is one of the reasons why things never worked out as soon as I was out of your office. Maybe that's why we fell apart... or better yet, maybe that's why you had a change of heart, because we so seldom see each other.

Remember the time we went to an amusement park and decided to play a few of their fun games just to win something? I still have the stuffed animals we got from those visits at home, my mom uses them as throw pillows in our living room. I could remember how I almost lost my voice cheering for you while playing. It was one of the happiest things we did together... that I almost wished we'd do it more often. :p

My planner is also another story I'm sure you can recall. It's the first planner that I was able to earn from stickers, and with your help I was able to avail it. I was so excited to use it to plan our out-of-towns and bonding moments, hoping that I can also fill it up with pictures of places that we'd be visiting... a few of the places on my list was the Manila Zoo and Manila Ocean Park, basically because I know you never have been there eventhough you've stayed in Manila for 5 years already. Funny, it would be your new girlfriend's task now... And now I'd be planning my own plans, nature tripping and more things that God would be telling me to do. I'm living each day by faith now so everything in my planner is basically planned for me and not by me.

How about that one valentines day you spent with me and my family where you bought your delicates just to redeem a mug that reminds you of me? It's still there at home, I just don't use it as often as I did because it reminds me so much of that time you told me the story of that mug. Your reason for it was because when you saw that heart-shaped mug it reminded you how much you loved me. Well I guess it's not applicable now, obviously.

The radio also reminds me of you... during our last few weeks together we talked about theme songs. It's ironic though, that a few weeks after determining what our theme songs were, we broke up. I still smile though, whenever hearing 'Stolen' by Dashboard Confessional and 'Written in the Stars' by Westlife. As long as 'God Gave Me You' is not played, I still smile while listening the radio. Believe it or not, that one song that was played the last day we spoke to each other is the only song that I wish not to hear... it's just ironic to hear it while saying our goodbyes.

Whatever your mom gave me, I'm still going to use it. They're cute plus though I never got to meet them in person, I'm certain that she's proud of you, and I'm certain that they were sincere when they said they wanted to meet me in person. It's just sad I never met your whole family, never got to thank them for who you are. I just hope they're all okay... still praying that someday all your hardships to be there for them would not be a waste. I know how much you give importance to your family, that's why I understood every problem you had that concerns them. I know how it feels to have nothing, and I feel you when you say you don't have anything to be proud of.  I say you do... You're a good provider to your family, something not all guys have. Though we failed in our relationship, you can't erase the fact that you're doing good on that part of your life... so don't give up whenever you've got too much problems... :)

The destination shirts and the clothes you bought for me also remind me of how much you think of me when we were together. I remember that everytime you'd text me when we're not together, if i don't send any reply within an hour you'd be pretending to be sad and disappointed at me that most of the times result to me being super sweet everytime I reply to your messages. Funny that I always buy that kind of drama... it's stupid but it's cute. 

Digital Camera... how can I forget. This was supposedly something that we owned, but when we both liked it we decided to buy one for each of us. I'm not sure if you're using yours, because I'm sure you gave it to your sister. Whenever I'm using mine, I try not to look at the pictures saved in it. It still has all the pictures from the time we bought it, never erased it because it still has space. Right now, the camera is approximately 5 months old, still new, and is really one good gadget that I'm thankful for. The last few memories of the time we were together are still there in HD quality.

How could I ever forget my Portable Play Station that we used to play with every night we meet? We used to play Tekken 5 because it was also one of your favorite games. I wouldn't be able to reach my rank now without your help. I still play that gadget at times, but since the time we never met I really had lesser time to play. It was like being your girlfriend and your best friend at the same time whenever we spend those crazy moments together. Those moments that we used to beat each other's score just to see who's better in playing that game.

To top my list, it's the dog Hachiko that reminds me of you most of the time. His personality resembles your personality that sometimes I wanted to change his name and name him after you. :p But don't worry, i'd rather call him Hachi because it sounds better for him. The way he becomes so excited when I'm around and the way he shows me how happy he is reminds me of the happy moments that we spend together. I sometimes wish to give him back to you because he's as naughty as you are, too active but too sweet at the same time... so much like you. But then I realize, I can't give him back to you... he'd be lonely because he wouldn't have any playmates at your house. Even though he's single, I'm sure he enjoys the company of the other dogs at home. And besides, he's loyal to me so I'd be keeping him around. :p

Those are just my top of the list, and there are many more in it. I am not sure when would you be reading this, or if you'd be able to read this one... but do know one thing, I hope I left a mark in your life. I always believe that there's always a reason why things happen, and that someday every reason will be revealed. I'm still smiling, just as I promised you... Because I don't want to cry anymore. Remember the last time we met? I never shed a tear because I didn't want you to remember me as the girl who was weak in confronting you but as the girl who always tried to understand you.

I know while I wait for the next time that my heart would beat for someone again, the best thing I can do is to live my life according to the wisdom God wants me to have (James 3:17-18 -- "But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."). I know that by reminiscing how I was with you I can and will be able to love other people the way that I have loved you... maybe not as strong as I did with you but definitely as sincere as I did... it's the only way to find wisdom and righteousness above all the pain I went through.